Journal 11/28/03

11/28/03

Dear Omni,

So here I am only 3 weeks later a world away from where I was last time I wrote. The same world still, but of course changed. I went back to work on the 12th as planned and have, for the most part, spent whole days there, but not whole weeks. Until this week, I really didn’t do much while I was there. Let me go somewhat in chronological order as to what’s been happening.

I complete my HRT research. I have several books now and talked to a lot of people. There is so much information it’s overwhelming. There seem to be no really good alternatives. The information and opinions differ and the research that has been done is inconsistent and often narrow and not fully controlled or all the variables are not recorded. I try to balance the information that I read so that I get all perspectives. I feel I am being led to information on this subject. Mom tells me I should talk to Aunt Linda and I know that what she has to say will be very important. I am hesitant because I am feeling my self that there are strong reasons forme to take estrogen and I fear Aunt Linda will tell me I should not. I know her message is important, so I hesitate a few days because I don‘t know what other options I might have. Finally I call, and low and behold she tells me she thinks it is ok for me in my circumstances and she thinks I should take it. Mary has been taking is for about 11 years now. I also have a helpful conversation with Mary where I learn some other hysterectomy info also. For example her body temperature dropped a degree also (as did Julie’s). None of us know why.

I was also led to Dr. Schoenbeck so I know she had a message for me too. I was picking Becky up at school one day and I by a small set of circumstances ended up with extra time and stopped at the local book store to look for a book for men about menopause. They didn’t have it but did have a book on the shelf about menopause that was written by Dr. Schoenbeck. I skimmed through the pages and was surprised to see some of the opinions that I did. I made an appointment with her for the end of the week. She gave me three pieces of information I needed - one that natural progesterone is optional, two that she would recommend testosterone also. Thirdly was a message I did not expect but that I think was important for me to hear. She talked about how she is impressed with my research and decision making process. She told me I should trust the conclusions and decisions that I come to for medical treatment. She told me to trust in my own beliefs even though (or especially because) the doctors do not know about this thing. This must be a message I really need to hear, because I got the same unprompted message from Dr. Rippa, my primary care doctor later that week.

So my decision was that I would go on the estrogen estrodial which is the bio-identical form most present in women prior to menopause. I am trying the patch to by pass the stress the pills put on the liver and gallbladder. They have Dr. LaCroix call me that night and she calls in a prescription for me. I am anxious to start to put an end to this emotional roller coaster. Unfortunately - I am sure I am doomed in this way - they have to order the patches and won’t have them until Monday. When I get them I am horrified at how big and ugly they are. These are a 7 day patch, but not the smaller clear patch I expected. Generics are fine, but they should be the same in most ways not just the amount of drug delivered in a seven day patch. The generic is a different delivery system even. But I live with this and start on the patch on the evening of 11/12/03. I hope that this things work. I’m not sure how I will do at work if I remain emotionally raw like I have been.

I see on an earlier day’s writing I refer to worrying about more tests, but never say what they are. That doesn’t surprise me actually. I just wanted the need for them to go away. I was able to rationalize myself through it while I was in Dr. Wong’s office, but I wasn’t even out of the building before I was fighting tears. I had been prepared to discuss treatment options, including chemotherapy, but not to deal with needing more tests. This was a really hard day for me and a day when I realized that I was struggling because I felt I kept bulking up and moving on and preparing myself as best I could for what I believed was next - just to discover I prepared for the wrong thing. This particular visit was especially difficult because I learned that I had not understood that there were more tumor remnants than I believed, and that they did NOT know where the source of the tumor was. I felt knocked back much closer to the beginning than I cared to be. I had a very difficult day. Denise and I had hour long massages that day and then had a glass of wine and a chat before we headed home. I had a helpful emotional dump full of exasperation and heartache with my mother. That evening my arms hurt so much I could not sleep or get comfortable. I was heading out to the couch when Rob suggested I try some percocet telling me that it had been long enough since my last alcoholic drink that it would be safe. I was glad to have his ok on this because I was hesitating and I just wanted to feel better. I needed that extra confidence in making that small of a decision.. That took the edge off enough for me to stay in bed and fall asleep. That night I began to understand how people could get addicted to drugs. Constant emotional anxiety and stress can really wear you down.

Defeated I faced these seemingly ominous awful tests, knowing still that they were the right thing to do, and knowing that my reaction to them was overkill. I asked questions of several people. Everyone kept telling me that they sedate you, as if that makes everything ok. Some people said they were totally aware and someone said it was extremely painful. Some people didn’t remember at all. What the nurses will tell you is that you’ll be under what they call conscious sedation and that many people don‘t remember anything at all. Hmmmm. I don’t like the fact that the word conscious is in there. I cannot logically process that I would be aware going through the procedures and then forget later. That doesn’t seem to help me with the fact that I don’t want to be aware since if I’m aware even if I don’t remember it, I will be aware while I am doing it. Ow. There seems to be some loopy logic there that hurts to think about. I decide that I am more worried about the colonoscopy being physically painful and the endoscopy being psychologically difficult. I tell myself that people live through these procedures all the time. I tell myself I could refuse to go. But that would be foolish. I do some research on WebMD to learn more about the procedures and then in some respects I wish I hadn’t. I like the information and having a better idea what will happen, but I don’t like that I have to be there when those things are done. Ironically, there was some information that was worse on the internet than the real thing, so that was an odd bonus when I went through the real steps. I try to insist with a nurse that they can knock me out totally. I get another round of explanation of conscious sedation - damn. I’ve learned all I want to know at this point, and am told that I will be able to ask questions of the nurse who calls to schedule things. So I wait.